Saturday, February 14, 2009
This week has been such a test to my will, my sanity, and my marriage. If the old saying is true that the first year of marriage is the hardest then Z and I are rapidly becoming a cliche! At first I thought someone or something was testing us. How strong are we as a couple? How do we cope as a couple? But then I realized the test was meant for me only. As someone who has long battled depression, I realize now that I married a really strong man who is of sound mind and judgement. His lessons, it seems, were learned early on while mine are just starting to present themselves (in rapid succession no less).
I have always felt I have lived a very blessed, very charmed life. About a month before we moved I was walking through our old apartment and had a quick thought that my charm or sense of security was about to end. Is that not a weird thing to just randomly come into your head? Don't get me wrong it has been a tough year altogether. It just hasn't felt like a real test until recently. I guess facing the reality of getting yet another job that would make most high schoolers proud has left me feeling pretty dismal. And even worse is what this reality says about my abilities as a small business owner. On top of all that I am quite sure my husband would indeed prefer an equal partner to a blood sucking bon bon eating disaster of a wife. So I feel...
I am scared.
I am anxious.
I am disappointed.
I am trying to remember to breathe.
And yet at the end of this royally bad week, tonight it is starting to make sense. The reality is that all of this anger and depression has nothing to do with my marriage or my lack of a stable income. It has to do with me growing up. It has to do with me becoming less of a daughter and more of a wife. So I feel uncertain and I feel scared. But you know what? I am certain that finally knowing why I am feeling scared and resistant to change is half the battle.
Thanks for reading I needed to get that out. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. On that note I leave you with my favorite quote...
"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you." -Winnie the Pooh