Saturday, February 14, 2009


This week has been such a test to my will, my sanity, and my marriage. If the old saying is true that the first year of marriage is the hardest then Z and I are rapidly becoming a cliche! At first I thought someone or something was testing us. How strong are we as a couple? How do we cope as a couple? But then I realized the test was meant for me only. As someone who has long battled depression, I realize now that I married a really strong man who is of sound mind and judgement. His lessons, it seems, were learned early on while mine are just starting to present themselves (in rapid succession no less).

I have always felt I have lived a very blessed, very charmed life. About a month before we moved I was walking through our old apartment and had a quick thought that my charm or sense of security was about to end. Is that not a weird thing to just randomly come into your head? Don't get me wrong it has been a tough year altogether. It just hasn't felt like a real test until recently. I guess facing the reality of getting yet another job that would make most high schoolers proud has left me feeling pretty dismal. And even worse is what this reality says about my abilities as a small business owner. On top of all that I am quite sure my husband would indeed prefer an equal partner to a blood sucking bon bon eating disaster of a wife. So I feel...

I am scared.
I am anxious.
I am disappointed.
I am trying to remember to breathe.

And yet at the end of this royally bad week, tonight it is starting to make sense. The reality is that all of this anger and depression has nothing to do with my marriage or my lack of a stable income. It has to do with me growing up. It has to do with me becoming less of a daughter and more of a wife. So I feel uncertain and I feel scared. But you know what? I am certain that finally knowing why I am feeling scared and resistant to change is half the battle.

Thanks for reading I needed to get that out. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. On that note I leave you with my favorite quote...

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you." -Winnie the Pooh

4 comments:

  1. Wow, Jane, What a post - sharing your heart. It doesn't matter how old you get, you will always be growing, we all do. Sounds like you have acquired some wisdom along the way already. I have been married to my valentine for 31 years and there are always ups and downs, but it has been so worth the commitment. Sounds like you have a keeper too! You are very blessed, every day that we walk this planet is another day to love one another and enjoy all the beautiful things and people that God has given us. Drawing close to Him is what keeps me sane, especially during tax season :-). Happy V Day and thanks for sharing!!! Cindy

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  2. I'm sorry that you've had a tough week! I relate to what you are going through in many ways. and I agree with the Catnap Cottage about drawing close to God. Sometimes the storms in my life have a way of blowing off the layers so I can see the truth. I hate it when that happens! But I love it too. and would never give it up. I hope you have a good week this week!!

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  3. Jane
    I think we have all gone through something like that. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so open.

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  4. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. It is nice to know we are not alone throughout this journey. I really have been trying to remember to offer it all up!! Here's to a happy productive week to us all!

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